Gabriel's Angel Read online

  Gabriel could contain himself no longer. The prospect of seeing Ellie, even if it was from a distance, was too much. ‘Can I go first?’ he said.

  ‘Fine by me,’ said Julie.

  ‘And me,’ said Yvonne. ‘I must admit I feel a bit nervous’.

  The viewing screen, about six feet by four, sat in the middle of the wall opposite the door. Several small leather armchairs faced the screen.

  ‘OK, so how do we start?’ asked Gabriel.

  ‘Just look at the screen and think of Ellie,’ Christopher said.

  ‘I haven’t stopped thinking of her.’ As he glanced at the screen, Gabriel saw Ellie arriving at the Assisted Conception Unit. She was getting in the lift, she was wearing black leggings with a blue dress over the top and her dark hair was scraped back.

  ‘She’s pretty,’ said Julie.

  ‘She looks so tired,’ said Gabriel.

  ‘She’s going through quite a bit at the moment,’ Christopher offered.

  ‘Is that the hospital you are in?’ asked Julie.

  ‘No, that’s the ACU where we were going to try to have our baby … Is this what’s happening now?’

  Christopher nodded. ‘I think it best you just watch.’

  And Gabriel did. He curled up on his seat hugging his knees and watched his wife trying to conceive his baby.

  ‘Good morning Ellie, how are you?’ Dr Samani had never greeted her personally before; in fact she had never seen him speak to anyone outside of his office before. He looked his usual confident self though, although his presence made her feel special but anxious.

  ‘I’m OK, bit nervous, you know.’

  ‘Of course, but don’t be nervous, this is straightforward, all the scans indicate you could have as many as 12 eggs in there, and that would be a good thing, that would give you plenty of chances at your baby, no?’

  ‘I’m not nervous about me, I’m nervous about Gabe.’

  ‘All in hand, if you’ll excuse the pun. I told you Ellie, you just concentrate on looking after yourself. You are a brave woman, a brave woman, but we need to make sure you stay healthy. Now, if you wouldn’t mind just going and getting changed—your friend, she knows the timetable we are working to, no?’

  ‘Oh yes, she knows, she should be at the hospital by now.’

  ‘Good, good, then we will get started, eh? We do not want the premature ejaculation, eh?’ And he laughed, far too much.

  ‘Can I see me?’ asked Gabriel, who looked pale and confused.

  ‘You can if you want to, Gabriel, but if you don’t mind me saying so, you might like to wait,’ Christopher said.

  ‘How … how do I see myself?’

  ‘You just think of yourself.’

  Gabriel closed his eyes for a moment, and when he opened them he was looking at his body, lying dead still on a bed in a small room. He was wired up to two machines and had a tube down his throat. Julie put her hands over her mouth and let out a noise that sounded like an echo.

  Christopher watched as Gabriel turned away. It was why the room existed, to show them what was left, and to show them that this was real. And for Gabriel it worked. Only in our dreams do we ever see ourselves from the outside, he thought, but it didn’t feel like a dream. Not now. It felt as if he had stopped being himself.

  They watched together as Moira came quietly into the room, closing the door behind her and looking around for any lingering healthcare professionals. There were none. She took off her jacket and gloves and rubbed her hands together. She then took a small sterile container from her bag and put it on the bed next to Gabriel.

  ‘Who’s she?’ asked Julie.

  ‘That’s Moira, a friend of Ellie’s, well the little sister to Ellie’s best friend. Nice woman, I always got on really well with her.’

  ‘That’s good,’ said Julie as they watched Moira lift the sheets off Gabriel’s prostrate body and undo the buttons on his pyjama bottoms.

  ‘Oh shit,’ said Moira. ‘Oh shit oh shit oh shit.’

  ‘She doesn’t like what she sees,’ said Julie.

  ‘What is going on?’ said Gabriel.

  ‘Oh shit oh shit,’ continued Moira, staring at the catheter tube that ran from the end of Gabriel’s penis into a rubber pouch hanging from a stand at the foot of the bed. ‘Oh shit. OK, stay calm. Think.’

  She gave a little tug on the catheter. Nothing happened. She pulled a little harder: nothing. She looked around for a button or something—‘What am I looking for, I don’t even know,’ she muttered. She picked up her mobile and began to dial before looking at the monitor that Gabriel was plugged into and the sign that said ‘Do not use mobile phones.’ She ran outside to the coffee area and phoned Izzy. There was no answer; the machine came on.

  ‘Izzy if you’re there, pick up the bloody phone, this is important. I’m at the hospital and Gabriel’s got a catheter in and I don’t know how to get it out. Izzy, Izzy. Fuck, phone me.’ Next she tried Izzy’s mobile but that was turned off. She left a message anyway.

  Ellie would be in the clinic, she couldn’t call her, and she couldn’t think off the top of her head of anyone else who knew about catheters. Sarah the ward sister would certainly know, but she couldn’t ask her without telling her what she was here for. She needed someone near who wasn’t staff and she didn’t know anyone except … .Michael.

  Moira turned and rushed back to the ward. ‘Please be there, please be there …’ Moira stopped as she got to the ward. Must appear calm, she thought, and walked down the main corridor straight past Gabriel’s side room to the front of the ward.

  ‘Hello Moira,’ said Sarah.

  ‘Oh hi.’

  ‘Anything I can do for you?’

  ‘Yes, I borrowed some money from a man. Tall, dark, unshaven?’

  ‘Sounds like my husband.’

  ‘No he’s a visitor, a regular, said he was likely to be around for a while; I hate owing money and I wondered if you knew if he was here today.’

  Sarah looked at Moira uncertainly.

  ‘It’s a thing I have about not being in debt.’

  ‘Wait here.’

  Sarah walked down the corridor and into a side room on the opposite side of the ward from Gabriel. After a few minutes she emerged with Michael walking behind her. ‘Is this the man?’

  ‘Yes thank you, hello, sorry to bother you.’

  ‘It was only 20p.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘It was only 20p, the nurse said you owed me some money.’

  ‘Yes. No. Sorry, can I have just a quick word?’

  Michael looked at Moira and at Sarah.

  ‘Look, if it’s about the accident, there really isn’t anything that either of you can say that will help you or your friends,’ said Sarah.

  ‘What?’ said Michael.

  ‘The accident.’

  ‘What accident?’ said Moira

  ‘The accident that your friends were involved in?’

  ‘Your friend was involved in Gabriel’s accident?’ Moira said to Michael.

  ‘Your friend is the man Julie hit?’

  ‘Er, you two didn’t know that then?’ said Sarah.

  Moira’s head was spinning. This was all getting too much, she didn’t know what, if anything, she was supposed to feel about this news. Was she supposed to march into this mad driver’s room and tell her off, was she supposed to take comfort from the fact that she was in a coma too? She had no idea. She had a vague idea that she was supposed to do something or at least feel something, but she had no clue as to what it was, and no time to work it out.

  ‘Look I’m sorry, I don’t know what to do with that information right now. I need to ask you something in private and, while I realise that sounds bizarre, it is important to me and I wonder if you would be kind enough to give me a few moments of your time, thank you.’ All in one breath.

  Michael shrugged. ‘Shall we get some coffee?’ he asked.

  ‘No time,’ said Moira. ‘Office, please.’

  Sara
h showed them into the office and closed the door as she left. ‘Don’t be long please’ she said, wondering fleetingly if Moira might be a little bit mad and about to ask Michael for a date. Which would be a funny story for the next staff night out.

  ‘So what can I do for you?’ Michael was wary.

  ‘Do you know anything about catheters?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Catheters.’

  ‘Oh Christ,’ said Gabriel, who was watching from behind his knees. ‘He doesn’t even know what they are; I’ve got to do something.’

  ‘There is nothing you can do,’ Christopher said. ‘Except watch.’

  ‘Watching is going to drive me mad.’

  ‘Tell me about it,’ Christopher replied.

  ‘Its OK,’ said Julie. ‘It’s going to be OK.’

  ‘How is it going to be OK?’

  ‘He’s a good man,’ said Julie. ‘He’ll help.’

  They looked at the screen. Michael was looking at Moira without wondering if she was cute. And he knew it wasn’t just because of the odd assortment of colours she was wearing. It was, he assumed, because he was in a serious place. Where serious things happened. Or it might have been because of Julie. He wondered, Is this what love does? Even if you love someone who is unconscious. ‘No,’ he said. ‘I don’t know anything about catheters. Why?’

  ‘It’s a long story, and if you don’t know, it won’t help to tell you,’ sighed Moira.

  ‘Try me,’ said Michael.

  ‘I don’t have the time,’ said Moira. ‘It’s a matter of life and death.’

  ‘Well, you’re in as good a place as any for that.’

  ‘I can’t tell the staff.’

  ‘What do you need to know about catheters for?’

  ‘Because I have to take one out of Gabriel without anyone knowing.’

  ‘Oh,’ said Michael. ‘Who’s Gabriel’?

  ‘Look I’m sorry to waste your time; it’s just I’m desperate.’

  ‘I don’t know a damn thing about catheters,’ said Michael. ‘But I know someone who does. So tell me what’s going on.’

  ‘Who?’ said Gabriel. ‘Who knows about catheters?’

  ‘Lynne,’ said Julie. ‘She knows. Look, I need to see me now alright?’

  ‘Oh come on … Please …’

  ‘No really, it will help us to see what is happening, trust me.’

  Gabriel put his head into his hands. Julie stared at the viewer and thought about herself. Sure enough, up she popped—or what was left of her: heavily bandaged head, very, very pale, loads more tubes coming out of her than Gabriel had, and with old friend, former nun, and soon-to-be-qualified nurse Lynne sitting beside her.

  ‘Jesus,’ said Julie.

  Gabriel looked up. ‘Fuck. You poor thing,’ he said.

  Lynne turned as Michael came back in.

  ‘What was all that about?’

  ‘It’s a woman who’s friends with the guy that Jules hit. She needs our help.’

  ‘It’s a little early to be asking for body parts, don’t you think?’

  ‘No, not that kind of help. Look I know this is going to sound odd, but she needs help taking a catheter out of him.’

  ‘I know they’re short staffed here, but … really?’

  ‘The staff can’t know.’

  Lynne looked at Michael.

  ‘I know, this sounds ridiculous, and it’s not some kind of guilt thing, it’s just … Look. Apparently the bloke that Julie hit was in the middle of some IVF thing, his wife or girlfriend has carried on with the treatment, but the staff here won’t or can’t help her.’

  ‘Well they are pretty busy saving lives,’ said Lynne.

  ‘Apparently she needs his sperm today.’

  ‘You’ve come to the wrong woman, Michael. I don’t do sperm.’ Lynne furrowed her brow as she spoke and the lines stretched right up to where her hair would be if she had chosen to keep any.

  ‘Moira—that’s the woman I just spoke to—is here to get the sperm, but he has a catheter in and she can’t get it out, I mean if she just pulls it may cause some damage.’

  ‘Too bloody right it will. Why won’t the staff help?’

  ‘I don’t know, something to do with informed consent, but Moira says he signed up for the treatment. They don’t have the time to go to court to argue, his wife has taken all the drugs. Look, all she is asking is that you remove the catheter and leave her to do the rest.’

  ‘Who’s going to put the bloody thing back in again?’

  ‘I don’t know, I don’t think she’s thought that far ahead.’

  ‘What if I get caught?’

  ‘I’ll keep watch.’

  ‘Why do you care?’

  Michael shrugged. ‘Because it feels like a good thing to do and it would be nice to do a good thing here, while we wait …’ He looked embarrassed and Lynne stared at him.

  ‘Christ,’ she said finally. ‘Julie was with the wrong bloke.’

  ‘Amen to that,’ said Julie.

  ‘I like him,’ said Gabriel, removing his knees from his chest and sitting forward for the first time since he had come into the room.

  ‘Right,’ said Lynne. ‘How are we going to do this? I can’t just march into this man’s room.’

  ‘Go and get some coffee,’ said Michael. ‘I told Moira to wait by the coffee machine, that one of us would be along soon.’

  ‘She’s all right as well,’ said Gabriel.

  ‘Used to be a nun, you know,’ said Julie, looking at Christopher.

  They watched as Lynne strode down to the coffee machine, raising her eyebrows at the girl wearing all the colours. Moira, on the other hand, greeted the lesbian with the giant cross round her neck like a long-lost sister.

  ‘I’ll only need a minute to get into the room and take the catheter out,’ said Lynne. ‘But surely you’re going to need a bit longer to do what you need to do. How can you be sure nobody will come in?’

  ‘I’ll just have to take my chances,’ said Moira.

  ‘You must have liked him,’ said Lynne.

  ‘They are my friends,’ said Moira softly.

  The two women walked back to the ward, pausing at the doors to the corridor leading to Gabriel’s room. When it was clear that there was nobody around, Moira walked quickly to his room. Inside there were two nurses preparing to give Gabriel a bed bath.

  ‘Don’t do that,’ she shouted, a little too loudly.

  ‘We have to, it’s our job,’ said the staff nurse, who was clearly the senior of the two. She was blonde and young and hardly turned round as she spoke.

  ‘I know, but his wife will be along later.’

  ‘Well I’m sure she will appreciate it if he was clean and shaven.’

  ‘No, she likes to do it herself.’

  ‘Well, when will she be here?’

  ‘Later.’

  ‘But the ward round starts in an hour.’ Still the nurse didn’t look at Moira.

  ‘She’ll be here before then,’ lied Moira. ‘Come on, it’s all she has left.’

  ‘Sorry, we need to do it now.’

  ‘No,’ said Sarah, the ward sister, from behind Moira. ‘It can wait.’

  Moira watched as the nurses left the room and turned the corner at the end of the corridor.

  Sarah stayed until they were out of sight. ‘Moira.’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘I need to know just one thing and if you lie to me I will make your every waking breath a hideous nightmare.’

  ‘Yes?’ Moira stopped breathing, She felt her stomach tighten, which was perhaps just as well because without that sensation she may have forgotten she had a body, she had become so focused on Sarah.

  ‘Is it at all possible that anyone can be harmed by what you are trying to do on my ward?’

  ‘No. I swear. On my life, I swear.’

  ‘Did you come here to help Ellie?’

  ‘Yes. Look please …’

  ‘With the IVF?’

  Moira just st
ared at her. Sarah held her gaze until Moira, open-mouthed and with her heart—that had returned to her with some drums and a spade—trying to tunnel out of her chest, nodded.

  ‘OK. You’d better get on with it then.’ And with that Sarah turned and marched back to the nurses’ station. A moment later Lynne crept into the room.

  ‘I wouldn’t be surprised if Sarah knows something,’ said Lynne.

  Moira just nodded and pointed at Gabriel’s crotch.

  ‘It’s in there,’ she said.

  ‘Really?’ said Lynne. ‘And I thought I was going to have to frisk him.’

  She pulled up the covers, fiddled about with something, pulled and said: ‘You see, when it goes into the bladder, you inflate a small balloon to stop it from coming out again. To take it out you deflate it. Mind you, putting it in is much harder than taking it out—took me ages to learn how to do it. There. Done. Over to you.’

  ‘Thank you,’ said Moira. ‘Really, thank you.’

  ‘Hey, it’s OK. Look, you’d better get a move on. Let us know how you get on … you know what I mean.’

  Lynne poked her head round the door, looked back one more time, and whispered ‘All clear.’ Then she went back to her own bedside vigil.

  Moira looked at Gabriel, his sallow features set like chalk on a cliff. ‘Sorry mate,’ she said and pulled up the sheets, picked up his penis and started to stroke it. All the viewing room could see was Moira’s arm moving up and down under the sheet. Slowly at first and then faster.

  ‘Oh my,’ said Gabriel.

  ‘Brave girl,’ said Julie.

  ‘Can you feel anything?’

  ‘No I can’t,’ said Gabriel. ‘Should I be able to?’

  ‘I don’t know what you should be able to feel,’ Christopher said honestly. ‘I mean, as you are not technically dead, there is a theoretical connection between the you that is here and the you that is there, but it would be misleading to suggest it is a meaningful link. I personally prefer to think of you as a shadow of the Gabriel on the bed. Do you know what I mean?’

  ‘Not remotely,’ said Gabriel, ‘and frankly I don’t think I want to … I … Christ, I think I’m coming …’

  ‘Can you feel that?’ asked Julie with interest.

  ‘No, but I can see …’

  Moira had taken an automatic step backward and was leaning toward Gabriel’s penis the way you lean toward an untrustworthy garden tap. One hand continued to rub, the other carefully held the end of the sterilised container round the tip, shaking his cock into the bottle, putting the top on, and slipping the bottle into the pocket of her coat. She put her coat on and headed for the door, then stopped, turned back to Gabriel, and went over to kiss him on the forehead. ‘You don’t have to call, just get better,’ she whispered and headed off.